Guilt and worthiness. I have struggled with these feelings for as long as I can remember because of my perfectionism, fear, I don’t know.
I know I am supposed to “learn” something from this infertility trial, but I feel done. Because I continue to come to this realization that deep down I feel like it’s a curse, or that it is my fault.
Like every time I eat sugar I’m making myself more and more infertile or something. If I don’t work out, I’m infertile. If I forget to read my scriptures, BAM. I’m infertile. And each reminder of it makes me feel like I’m unworthy of love. And although rationally it may not make any sense and it may seem untrue, the thoughts come and the thoughts go.
Every single thing I do never feels good enough. Nothing. Every work project, conversation, dish I cook, piece of clothing I forget to put away, word I say, is wrong and not enough.
For some reason, believing I am worthy of love is my biggest weakness and my biggest trail. Right now “pregnancy and children” is that thing I don’t have that I feel will bring me worthiness. That when I finally reach that I will have finally fulfilled my purpose.
But I know that it has always been something. “Once I finish my mission I will be worthy of love.”
“Once I am done with school I will be worthy of love.”
“Once I get married I will be worthy of love.”
“Once I lose my last 10 pounds, then I’ll be worthy of love.”
This is crazy and I know it but subconsciously this is what I do. It may seem crazy to you, or maybe you do it too, but my brain plays these tricks on me and it drives me crazy.
The above was from a recent journal entry of mine and I felt like sharing it because I am working on being vulnerable.
I have not realized that this is something that I subconsciously am telling myself until only recently. I was listening to Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability and she said something that made me closely examine what I am doing.
Do not say “I will be worthy of love and belonging when I am done.”
She said this and I realized this is how I live my life. I live it for the next thing, the next moment, the next accomplishment. But productivity isn’t self-worth. I am worth it already as I am.
I need to come as I am. I do not need to reach a certain point in order to be worthy of love. There is no final destination or latter to climb that makes me worthy of love. I am a human being. I am a daughter of God. That is enough. That in it of itself makes me more worthy of love than anything. Jesus Christ makes me worthy of love. He loves me unconditionally, and I need to find daily reminders of that in order to boost my self-love and self-compassion. Grace isn’t something that you have to earn, it is something that is given freely and unconditionally out of pure love. Grace allows all of these imperfections to become strengths in the eyes of God.
And if you didn’t hear it already today, you are worthy of love. Come as you are. Bruises and bumps and scars and all. You are worthy of love. You don’t need a promotion or money in the bank or a baby to be worthy of love. You are always worthy of love. That doesn’t mean I can’t change or improve or eat all the sugar I want and never read my scriptures, but it does mean that if we accept grace we love ourselves for who we are and our inherent worth and then we will use that grace and power to change into who God wants us to become.
Right now I’m just working on that first step in remembering who I am and that no matter what, I am worthy of love.
Happy Sunday friends. Share goodness. Share love. And remember you are always worthy of it.
http://www.emmaletters.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/IMG_0767.jpg8901188Emmahttp://www.emmaletters.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/cropped-Emma-Blog-Logo-3-1-1-1024x205.pngEmma2017-08-06 21:20:262017-08-06 21:31:37Worthy of Love