I haven’t written on you for 10 months. How is that? Yet, I have so many drafts I have written and not published. And I feel like hitting publish on a lot of them because vulnerability is power and empathy is what makes us human and if we aren’t willing to be human then what are we?
I wrote this in May earlier this year, although I do feel like I could have written it yesterday.
The last month has felt like some sort of turning point for me. There are no words to explain it, other than the fact that I feel like I’ve reached adulthood. Like my prime has passed or like I’ve seen a lot a bit of life and the world and just hard things. It’s probably the weight and the bloat from the fertility drugs and the side effect of constant starvation. It’s probably learning to grapple with a constant emotional rollercoaster. Added responsibilities at work and at church. Close friends going through hard, real problems that are oh not so sheltered. Opening my heart to more and more love and ideas. Turning 25. Having my 3rd anniversary.
I’m sure everyone is saying — Oh, Emma. You are so young and so naive still. And while maybe I am, I don’t feel it, and the weight of the world makes my heart hurt.
I’ve always been the Jane in Pride and Prejudice. And right now, Bingley has broken my heart and I’m trying to accept that. I know that she gets Bingley in the end, but right now he seems like he’s in love with someone else and I will be perfectly content loving and being a support to those around me because I don’t need no man! (This analogy was about children not about Dallin because we all know I need Dallin in order to even survive.)
So anyways, here’s to adulthood. It’s pretty dang hard but it’s also pretty dang amazing how strong and resilient we are through it all.
You know that feeling when your throat is tight and you are trying to hold back tears so you keep coughing and blowing your nose trying to disguise your desire to burst into tears by a fake cold? That was today. Today was a rough day. I may or may not have cried in the bathroom at work a few times and during a presentation. Everyone just kept saying how tired I looked, so I’m glad no one noticed my eyes were red for a different reason (insert laughing/crying emoji here…)
It’s a fragile road made of eggshells and roller coasters and lots of ups and downs, this infertility road. This morning, I was trying to give myself so many pep talks to go to work. I just told myself, I just have to make it through today! Tomorrow will be fresh and a new start and everything will be good. But I kept crying too much I couldn’t get dressed. It’s so frustrating. I feel so helpless and weak and like I should just be able to make myself stop. A quote from somewhere came into my head: “When life gets too hard to stand, kneel.” I fell to my knees. I prayed and I cried and I knew that tears are prayers too. They travel to God when we can’t speak. The psalmist wrote: “put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?”
I knew we had planned to go to the temple tonight and I kept holding onto that. I prayed every moment I could. As I was walking back to work from my lunch break I prayed some more – and a few thoughts popped into my head, followed by chills running down my entire body – and I stopped, and I knew, I knew that was an answer to my prayer. One of these promptings was to ask Dallin for a priesthood blessing for comfort and strength. I remembered that. Another was to learn of others’ in my situation and talk with them and mourn with them too. Working on that. Starting with this blog post.
As soon as we walked into the temple tonight and we began the endowment session (for more info on what I’m talking about you can find out more here) I felt peace. I knew that Heavenly Father loves me. That He is very aware of me. I knew that I am surrounded by so many people who love me. I knew that I am a part of Jesus Christ’s church on the earth today and it is the greatest blessing in the world. I knew that He is my Savior and my everything. I knew that I loved Him and that I trusted Him and that my tears were okay, that every tear was known to Him.
I am not writing this for pity or for you to feel sorry for me. Please, please don’t. I’m only writing this because while whoever is reading this may not have experienced infertility, we have all had moments where we feel we can no longer stand. Words cannot express how grateful I am that I can kneel and that I know my prayers are heard. I am writing this because sharing it and how I’m learning from it is my way of finding purpose through it all.
Thank you all for your love and prayers. Thank you for asking me how I’m doing and not being afraid. It means the world.
http://www.emmaletters.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/MVIMG_20180118_175234.jpg30244032Emmahttp://www.emmaletters.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/cropped-Emma-Blog-Logo-3-1-1-1024x205.pngEmma2018-01-18 22:45:002018-01-18 22:45:00When life gets too hard to stand, kneel.
I am currently a teacher to all of the women in our church congregation – also known as a Relief Society teacher. And to be honest, I really love it! It’s amazing how all of a sudden in my life Relief Society is a like a lifeline, and being out of town and missing church is so hard for me. I love the connection and the sisterhood and the sharing and the vulnerability, and I sincerely believe Relief Society is a beautiful place of growth and service and building friendships to last a lifetime.
Last year I taught about a subject that I truly am passionate about – the importance of education. This is something that is very important in the church and just for the future of our lives in general. I was always that girl who loved school. I got giddy walking into Staples to buy fresh notebooks and beautiful pens. Inloved learning like the little nerd that I am. I honestly am still like this, and when September rolls around I dream of bouquets of freshly sharpened pencils and the first day of school.
Now I’m not saying you necessarily need to graduate from college to get an education (although I’m definitely a believer in it and it can be so good, if it’s the right fit), but it is so important to gain a skill and develop it and participate in society!
I shared in my lesson how important this is – for our own self development, spirituality, independence, and happiness. To find a passion, to be a part of something – whether that be an amazing company or working for yourself or raising a family. But I am such a believer in being educated and having something to always fall back on.
I never thought that I would work. (And when I say work, I just mean dress up in business professional clothes and go to work from 9-5.) In my mind I would be just like my mom. I would get married while I was in college and have a baby by the time I graduated. But life never works out the way we plan! How grateful I am that no matter what happened when we moved and when none of my credits were going to transfer to ASU that I said, you know what, my education is my priority. I am going to graduate with a degree no matter what it takes! (Or no matter the degree, haha.) I worked full time and I went to school full time. Honestly, I had a great job and I could have stopped going to school. But I loved school, and this was a goal that I always had and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me, it wasn’t even really a question in my mind. Because honestly, at this point, we were going to get pregnant any month now, and everything was going to work out exactly how I had planned. Dallin would keep working and I would slowly stop working my job from home and transition to being a full stay at home mom. This was my purpose, and I prayed about it, I had had multiple dreams about it, every thing I knew meant this was going to be my path.
And honestly, this has been the hardest part of not having children yet. It’s dealing with this inconsistency in my mind – that I’m not fulfilling my life’s purpose – to be a mother. And this is a major lesson that I have needed to learn. That I have worth as me, not just as a wife or a potential mother. I am not worthy of love with regards to relationships I have with others. Being a wife is a very sacred thing to me, just as Dallin being my husband is also sacred. And motherhood is such a beautiful rewarding thing – mothers pretty much have every job even out there! But I am also grateful for my education, a job I love, and finding purpose in those things. It is so important to find purpose and make progress as individuals outside of women’s relationships to others.
You can never plan what will happen in your life. But I do know that you will never regret prioritizing your education and developing new skills to contribute to society, it whatever way you choose. You will never regret finding purpose as an individual and doing what you love.
Let me know what you think or if you have any insights on the topic 🙂